An Intensely Ordinary Death

I received a call from American Hospice to go sit with a patient who was actively dying. The call caught me off guard, but thinking about the opportunity for ministry made me really excited. Anticipating the unknown brought me to a place where I had to find boldness and reliance on the Lord. I tried to remember my training with American Hospice and recalled information about being a comforting presence that allowed for some peace.

On the drive to the home where Mrs. Francis lived I contemplated what I would be met with. I wanted to be thoroughly prepared for whatever met me during the time with her. I imagined intense spiritual warfare where I rebuked demons and spectacular experiences with the Lord as He called his daughter Home. I was ready to be met with whatever extreme situation would occur. As I thought on these things the Lord asked me a question, "What do you want your life to look like?" It was a simple question and I answered honestly according to the desires of my heart, "Well, Lord, I want my life to be full of happiness, companionship, adventure and, of course, full of your glory."

I found Mrs. Francis' room and was welcomed by her Social Worker. When I walked in I found Francis with a rag on her forehead and a breathing machine helping her in her last moments to hang on. Her Social Worker debriefed me on her time Mrs. Francis, how long she had been there, when she anticipates her passing, and what she was doing to minister to Francis' physical body. I could see the love in her face as she talked about the journey with Francis as her Social Worker. I could also tell she had a passion for what she was doing. There was not a hint of obligation behind her words.

She exited the room to leave me to my 3 hour shift. I mentioned before that I wanted to be thoroughly prepared for whatever situation was going to meet me during my time with Francis, but I was not prepared for this. As I took in the atmosphere of the room I realized I was probably not going to witness the heavens open up to receive Mrs. Francis' into the Wedding Banquet that was prepared for her. I looked at Francis and she was peaceful; I looked around the room and saw no family to comfort; I prayed and felt no demons to rebuke in Jesus' name. In fact, there was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about the situation I was in!

In that moment I realized my self-centeredness. I was so consumed with how I would respond, how I could be prepared, and how I could go to battle spiritually on her behalf. The whole time I was thinking about myself! This is in direct contrast to training for American Hospice as a whole and even in my journey with the Lord. American Hospice teaches people how to be a selfless servant, focusing on the needs of the patient without regard to our own desires.

I walked out with truth by asking the Holy Spirit for direction for the rest of my time. He told me to sing songs to her, pray for her, and read scripture over her. I was amazed at the songs and scriptures He brought to mind. All of them had to with our assurance of being taken into Glory when we die. They all proclaimed God's faithfulness in the afterlife! I could not have chosen a better playlist myself if I tried. God let me know that He was not going to abandon Francis as she transitioned into her next stage of life. I hoped that God was letting Francis know this as well.

I looked at her often as I held her hand that did not respond to my grasp. I got scared that she would die and I would be left with a lifeless handshake. I didn't want to be there as she died. I didn't want to be surprised at her empty physical vessel. Debbie texted me at this moment to help me process this fear. I searched my heart for my genuine attitude towards death. I realized that death has always been used in movies and T.V. shows to shock and terrorize people. As a Christian, I look forward to meeting my Beloved Jesus Christ in Heaven when I die, but have never considered the physical death as something that was beautiful or peaceful. Oh yes, death is terrifying for those who Jesus does not know, but I knew the Lord knew Frances well as she knew Him. I said to myself, "Jesus never taught me to be afraid of death. He never taught me to be scared of situations like this. Do I really believe what the Bible teaches about death not stinging because of His faithfulness?"

As I contemplated this I looked at the picture of Jesus on her wall. Then, I got up to pour cold water on her washcloth to place on her forehead to keep her fever down. When I sat back down I realized that Jesus really was here. Even before it was her time, He was here taking care of Francis through me and the other volunteers that sat with her. Her face was full of peace and it affirmed this truth. Though she could not blink, talk, or respond to a hand that held hers Jesus really loved her still.

The Lord brought to mind the question he asked me on the way to Francis, "What do you want your life to look like?" Before I left, multiple nurses came in to tend to Francis by taking her temperature, changing her, and turning her. Each nurse could not hold back their gratitude for Francis. They all told stories about how they felt loved and cared for by her. She never did anything extravagant, all she did was communicate genuine care for the nurses. This is what it meant to bring God glory for Francis. Her life was not full of adventures in the nursing home, but certainly her life was a vessel of love to the nurses that tended to her. The Lord pointed to her as His answer for me, "This is what I want your life to look like: Love me and love others."

I am in awe of Francis and her life story. I know the Lord loved her deeply. I hope my life can measure up to a small percentage of the impact she made on others. I also hope to continually be molded into a servant so that others can feel the love of Christ that meets me every morning. I truly saw the journey Mrs. Francis was taking with the Lord with my spiritual eyes. Though it was not filled with a heavenly vortex opening up to receive her, it was just as meaningful and it was just as eventful. I learned that death does not have to be a shocking experience. Rather it can be extraordinarily ordinary, "fully of peace and joy with Christ."

"Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home." 

-An excerpt from Amazing Grace

Copyright catholicalcoholic.com

Playing Tag In the Dark

Last night I was at a Halloween event held for the youth group at my church. There were costumes,  giant bowls of candy, and lots of wonderful teenagers. We took a field trip to the gym where Mike exercised his gift of putting together really fun games at events for us. One game in particular was very special to me. Mike's daughter, Maya,asked me to play Glow-In-The-Dark-Tag with her. I was excited to have the opportunity to empower this beautiful young girls as she would bravely run around people twice as tall and probably twice as old as she was.

The object of the game was to avoid getting tagged by whoever was "it" while maneuvering your way around in the dark. We all had glow sticks and necklaces so we didn't bump into each other. This only made me slightly less anxious about injuries.

The lights went off and Maya held my hand. I wanted to have fun, but was afraid due to the unpredictable nature of the darkness. I didn't want to get hurt, nor did I want to hurt anyone else. "What if I hit a wall and get hurt?", "What if I run over someone and they get hurt?","What if I trip and fall over?" These thoughts ran through my head as I reluctantly ran about, but not once did I let go of Maya. She was too important to me for me to just let go. She was too important for me to even stand still. I wanted her to have fun because I loved her. So, as an effect, she led most of the time while I was being dragged behind her.

When I recognized that as an adult I was not leading, but a child was leading, I felt a twinge in my heart. "My life resembles this moment," I thought to myself. God has me in the dark. He's given me a couple hints to the future, but not much. I know I'm going to be in a wedding for my beautiful friend, Grace, next year and two months later I'll be going on a mission trip. Other than that there is hardly anything else that is concrete or immediate. I can't really see what's ahead. Life's a little unpredictable. I don't want to get hurt. I also don't want to hurt others. So I jog about cautiously. I am not alone though. It is Childlike Faith that holds my adult hand. She is courageous. She is bold! She is not afraid of the dark, rather, she enjoys the thrill of adventure. She is secure because she knows her Daddy is the one running the place. So she runs; So, she laughs; So, she has fun in the dark.

I wrote this not understanding why God emphasized this in our time together, but now I know. I used to hate the idea of childlike faith. It's not very smart. The mark of childlike faith is not testing, like I want to do before I trust, it is complete and total trust without regards to what is approved. So many times as a child I had the hope of a father's love being returned. As I got older my hopes were crushed. In the end this little girl was humiliated. She was embarrassed and was called "naive." Realizing this I told God, "I don't want to be that little girl! That little girl with childlike faith got hurt. Don't make me be her. I don't want her." Then, God said to me, "But I loved that little girl. When she was hurt, I was there and hurt with her. I put the hope and expectation in her heart. I was angry when she was humiliated. That little girl still live in you and I care for her deeply."

I have been so afraid, but Jesus said in Luke 18:16 "But Jesus called the children to him and said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.'" God showed me that He doesn't want me to be afraid of "the dark," the unpredictability of life. He actually wants me to have fun with Him! He wants me to be courageous and have my desire for adventure be quenched as I journey with Him. There's nothing wrong with wisdom, but she walks hand-in-hand with faith. I can rest secure that I won't be overcome with pain because I know who is really running the show - it isn't the darkness, it's my Father. He doesn't want me to live in dread, but in joy.

Thank you Father for having good planned for me! I love you and I believe you when you tell me you hold me safely. You are good, even in the dark.

I Have Her

I have the best nursery duty in the world at my church; I get to work with the infants once a month! The babies we have are not fussy at all. Even if they were fussy it would be a joy because you would have more of an excuse to hold them.

This last Sunday the Lord spoke to me through an experience with a beautiful baby girl named Emma. She does not know me very well, but I love to be with her every time I get to be in the nursery. Emma reached for me to pick her up. I recognized that she did not do this because she had such a profound attachment to me, but because she has a trust-cultivated heart developed by her loving parents. These parents have done a good job meeting her needs. I saw that Emma knew to reach out when she needed something. She was confident.

As she gestured her sweet little hands for me to pick her up, I found myself unable to deny her. Though I did not grow up with younger siblings, I do delight in holding a baby or two. I had very little previous encounters with Emma, yet when she reached out for me my desire to hold her was ignited. There was not anything that could keep me from holding that baby girl!

The morning went on with an astonishing number of babies in the nursery, but I still spent a lot of my time with Emma. She felt more comfortable in my arms the longer she stayed in them. The more she clung to me, the more I clung to her. I found myself giving her kisses on the head when she would lean in towards me to keep herself stable.

The Lord directed my thoughts to this experience as I prayed about my current stage of grief. He opened my eyes to the truth of His intimacy with me through my delight in Emma. He showed me that He does all that cooing over me! When I reach out to God He reaches back out to me - "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." James 4:8. Not only does he just reach for me, but his desire for me is unstoppable when I reach out to Him because a desire is ignited when He sees a response. The more I cling to God for stability, emotional/mental security the more He clings to me. The closer I become, the more available I make myself to His affection for me during times of sincere prayer.

I also remembered that as Emma began to get sleepy, all I wanted from her was for her to rest in my arms. She did not have to do anything for me to have affection for her, it was just because she was Emma that I delighted in her. When she would rest on my chest I felt excited and satisfied. I would say to myself, "I have her!..." It was a feeling that was satisfied with the idea that all of who she was was in my arms.

God's affection for me is not earned, it's only warranted because He made me. He loves me just because I'm me. He loves the times when I get fed up and don't have the strength the go on because He gets to hold me as I rest on His chest. In those times of complete surrender I know God says, "I have her!" as He delights in having all of who I am - all of me.

I am so tired of the grief. Yet, I would not sell my devotion to Jesus for a few silver coins of happiness if it meant I could never experience His loving embrace.

I found this picture of me and my mom when I was younger. It was the perfect picture of God's love for me.

Wait!

I felt like my life had come to nothing as I laid on the loveseat about to finish the second Star Wars movie. It's the Sabbath and I'm supposed to rest, but my bottom was falling asleep. So, I took Sassy for a walk. It was in the cool of the night and wasn't too dark. I thought I could train her a little bit too. The Dog Whisperer makes me feel like I can do anything. 

Mini-schnauzers should walk either beside or behind the person holding the leash, because in a dog's mind the leader leads the way, and that leader needs to be human. If they do not get daily walks, the schnauzer will have behavior problems (so says dogbreedinfo.com). So, I decided to strap her into her harness and grab some dog treats to begin training. She pulls on the lease so much for a little dog. I was going to train her not to strain herself in order to run ahead of me. I did this by stopping every 5 feet, tugging on the leash and saying "Wait!" When she did, I would give her a treat. 

I began to think about how important it is for her to wait beside or behind me. What if I accidentally let go of the leash? Without discipline she could run into the street! She could get herself lost if she allowed her desires to overcome her training.What if there was a cat in the road and she ran after it only to find herself underneath the wheels of a car? I began to regret not teaching her sooner to wait. 

By the end of the cult-d-sac she had still not taken to the training. I understood that training is a process, but she was stubbornly pulling on the leash ahead of me more than ever. I grew more concerned about how she viewed me. "Why isn't she obeying my commands? Doesn't she see that I am her Master?" were questions that brewed in my mind. I finally crouched down beside her, took her face and said, "You need to obey me. I'm your Master." I didn't say it to be authoritative. I had persistent love in my heart for her. The idea of her not obeying me grieved my heart because my commands will keep her safe. It's what's best for her and if she did not follow them, she could get hurt. I trained her because I loved her. Yes, she has a keen sense of smell and quite an ear for hearing, but she is too small to see the big picture. Her mind was not equipped to understand it.  

As I arose from my special moment with Sassy I had to slap myself. I hadn't heard from the Lord today and felt quite distant from Him. I woke up too late to spend time with Him and had not had a chance to do so since. I realized that the Lord had been telling me to wait in a lot of areas in my life. I needed to not act on the impulse to take control and act on my anxiety. 

Psalm 131 had become a theme in my life:

  

¹ My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty;  

I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.  

² But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; 

 like a weaned child I am content.

³ Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore.

Yet, like Sassy, I need to wait. I don't know why the Lord tells me to wait now, but I understand that my brain wasn't made to see the big picture. I have to wait in faith. His commands are for my safety. If God allowed my desires for adventure to dictate my actions I bet I would also run after things that could put me in harm's way. He is my Master, my Lord, my God and I am His daughter who is to walk beside or behind Him. He is the Leader, not me. He sees where I am going and will not abandon me, nor will He allow me to go places He hasn't introduced me to. I need to wait. It's so hard, but I see the importance of waiting. 


Psalm 130:5-6 "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning"

Spins, Hugs, and Mirrors

I was at the Residence Life desk today with sleep deprivation from finals and hoped that no one asked me to do anything that involved thinking. Fortunately I was a witness to a couple of delightful moments between a little girl and two grown men. The little girl’s name is Katelyn and she is the daughter of the Director for Student Life. Normally Katelyn is 3 yrs old, very shy, has a wonderful laugh and is cautious about who she gives her attention to. In the past I have seen her run from me and others who have wanted to play with her. Two people in particular today were persistent, David and Mac. Today she wasn’t so scared and their persistence paid off. David and Mac would smile, call her name and open wide their arms while they crouched down to her level. She would then run into their arms, hold on tight, and squeal in delight. I saw the delight in both Katelyn’s face and the faces of those who had the privilege of spinning her around.

I thought about how good her dad was at that point. Every time I see them together I see a genuine love between a father and his daughter. He seems to love to surprise her with his presence and she seems to get really excited at the idea of seeing Daddy in places on campus that aren’t in their apartment.  I realized that the only reason she could run up to those two people was because the love David and Mac showed was familiar to her. Their love for her mirrored the love that she experienced from her father, so she welcomed the hugs and spins. 

I was reminded of God’s love for me while watching them. The only reason I can recognize the love that others have for me is because it mirrors God’s. The other day my Christianity teacher asked me about Christmas plans after taking a final. I told him about some of the struggles I have and he gave me some encouragement. He said, “Well, I’m sorry about your struggles. I think you’re terrific. I’m not just saying that in the moment, but I thought that all along.” The encouragement was uplifting. I was reminded that sometimes God gives you love through others and I heard God’s words from his mouth. I was able to recognize God’s love mirrored in my teacher, just like Katelyn was able to recognize her dad’s love mirrored in David and Mac. 

The best part was not hearing from God, but the fact that the love expressed to me was free. Thanks Dr. Blair.

Remembering God

Today a resident had something that could be similar to a seizure. I’m not sure what it is and I don’t think her or her family knows either. Being in college has helped her find some triggers for her episodes though. Things like lack of iron, too much adrenaline and lack of sleep sets off her unresponsive seizure-like symptoms.

I was talking to one of my friends about faith, reason, and Kierkegaard (what a conversation!) when I noticed her eyelids fluttering. I could not shake or rub her out of it, so I decided to call the Resident Director. This is not something new for the resident or for the Resident Assistant’s, I knew the RD would help me with the best actions to take.

She started by calling out her name. Not yelling at her, but with firmness; a calling of her name that was meant to illicit a response. She was breathing, so we didn’t think it dire enough yet to call the paramedics. She then tried to get a response by physical means – rubbing and moving her. Her last attempt was to try to push on a pressure point behind her ear. When the RD did this her body relaxed, she let out a sigh and began “waking up” out of her episode.  The RD had to ask her questions to make sure her brain was fully functioning. She asked questions like, “Who am I?”, “What’s my name”, “Do you know who you are?”  At first these questions were too hard for her. Her retrieval from long-term memory was blocked. Slowly she was able to answer these questions, but it was a process. We had to wait as she progressively remembered her surroundings. This time, it was lack of sleep. She had only been getting a couple hours of sleep a night the past couple of days. After gaining her bearings, she picked up her stuff and went to bed. 

I wrote about this because I was reminded of some wounds that haven’t fully healed yesterday. I’ve been unsure of God today and where I fit in his plan because of them. As I watched the resident on the couch in the lobby, I saw myself in her place as the one who was unable to recognize important people. I saw myself in the midst of warfare and God as the one who had to hit some pressure points in order to wake me up. I know that whenever you’re unsure of God or his ability to work you’re supposed to remember. This means retelling the story of how you first came to Christ or other times God has worked miracles and strengthened your faith.  It reminded me the importance of remembering. Remembering who God is, who I am, who the people around me are is a crucial step in recovering from a traumatic experience physically, but also spiritually. I imagined God asking, "Who am I?" not because he had forgotten, but because I had forgotten. "Who are you?" the answer to this is not "victim" or "out of control" but "Princess, Daughter of the Most High who has a purpose."

The picture of my RD hovering over the resident like a knight waiting to take back from a thief what belonged to her will stay with me for a long time. It gave me comfort in imagining God hovering over me amidst the confusion with sword in his hand and a quest to take back his bride, what it rightfully His.

He is The Remedy

Today I learned a lesson in forgiveness. 

At dinner there was a friend who, I felt, didn’t show me value or love through the way they talked to me. Their words weren’t filled with concern for my day or even awkward acquaintance small talk, but with abrasive joking. I’m pretty sure I was made fun of a couple of times in front of my friends. I felt like I had just taken on an animal in a wrestling match for dignity. I walked away from dinner with a bruised and burning heart. I said to myself, “I won’t talk to them again. Maybe they don’t know how to communicate or maybe that’s the only way they know how to relate, but in any event we don’t have to be friends.”

I sat in my comfortable chair after that trying to get over the emotions that come with boundaries being crossed. I tried to find a story or two in an E-book to make myself feel better; one about winning others to Christ by love, another about forgiveness (hindsight: these were definitely hints from the Lord). As I came back from walking to the library I found that my phone was ringing. I had already missed 2 calls from the same person. It was a resident who was really upset and frantically trying to reach her RA. She proceeded to tell me about her roommate and how she doesn’t treat her with dignity (can anyone see where this is going?). Her roommate continually does things to communicate unworthiness and has a consistent lack of love towards her. She doesn’t treat her well with word or action. At first she sounded angry as she was raising her voice in the phone. As the conversation went on, I heard her voice quiver and I could tell that she was crying. She was angry, yes, but she was angry because she was hurt. As I sat listening to her, my heart broke and I grieved with her. All I wanted to do was listen and attend to her wounds. I wanted to hear about all the places that hurt and dress them. Secondly, I wanted to tell her to forgive because if she didn’t, I knew the wounds would hurt worse. 

While she was talking I realized that God gave me a glimpse of his perspective of wounds. He hears me; He urgently tends to my wounds, all of them; He wraps them; He tells me how to take care of them so they don’t get worse. He loves me truly and his heart breaks when mine does because he loves me. He cares for me just as much, and even more than the care I have for my residents. Situations take on a new light when seen through the eyes of God. I forgot that God is personal. He sees me in every moment. I’m ashamed to say that I forgot he was my Doctor, ready and willing to remedy my ailments. I've already forgiven my friend and have made plans to have a conversation about communicating - humbly.