Playing Tag In the Dark

Last night I was at a Halloween event held for the youth group at my church. There were costumes,  giant bowls of candy, and lots of wonderful teenagers. We took a field trip to the gym where Mike exercised his gift of putting together really fun games at events for us. One game in particular was very special to me. Mike's daughter, Maya,asked me to play Glow-In-The-Dark-Tag with her. I was excited to have the opportunity to empower this beautiful young girls as she would bravely run around people twice as tall and probably twice as old as she was.

The object of the game was to avoid getting tagged by whoever was "it" while maneuvering your way around in the dark. We all had glow sticks and necklaces so we didn't bump into each other. This only made me slightly less anxious about injuries.

The lights went off and Maya held my hand. I wanted to have fun, but was afraid due to the unpredictable nature of the darkness. I didn't want to get hurt, nor did I want to hurt anyone else. "What if I hit a wall and get hurt?", "What if I run over someone and they get hurt?","What if I trip and fall over?" These thoughts ran through my head as I reluctantly ran about, but not once did I let go of Maya. She was too important to me for me to just let go. She was too important for me to even stand still. I wanted her to have fun because I loved her. So, as an effect, she led most of the time while I was being dragged behind her.

When I recognized that as an adult I was not leading, but a child was leading, I felt a twinge in my heart. "My life resembles this moment," I thought to myself. God has me in the dark. He's given me a couple hints to the future, but not much. I know I'm going to be in a wedding for my beautiful friend, Grace, next year and two months later I'll be going on a mission trip. Other than that there is hardly anything else that is concrete or immediate. I can't really see what's ahead. Life's a little unpredictable. I don't want to get hurt. I also don't want to hurt others. So I jog about cautiously. I am not alone though. It is Childlike Faith that holds my adult hand. She is courageous. She is bold! She is not afraid of the dark, rather, she enjoys the thrill of adventure. She is secure because she knows her Daddy is the one running the place. So she runs; So, she laughs; So, she has fun in the dark.

I wrote this not understanding why God emphasized this in our time together, but now I know. I used to hate the idea of childlike faith. It's not very smart. The mark of childlike faith is not testing, like I want to do before I trust, it is complete and total trust without regards to what is approved. So many times as a child I had the hope of a father's love being returned. As I got older my hopes were crushed. In the end this little girl was humiliated. She was embarrassed and was called "naive." Realizing this I told God, "I don't want to be that little girl! That little girl with childlike faith got hurt. Don't make me be her. I don't want her." Then, God said to me, "But I loved that little girl. When she was hurt, I was there and hurt with her. I put the hope and expectation in her heart. I was angry when she was humiliated. That little girl still live in you and I care for her deeply."

I have been so afraid, but Jesus said in Luke 18:16 "But Jesus called the children to him and said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.'" God showed me that He doesn't want me to be afraid of "the dark," the unpredictability of life. He actually wants me to have fun with Him! He wants me to be courageous and have my desire for adventure be quenched as I journey with Him. There's nothing wrong with wisdom, but she walks hand-in-hand with faith. I can rest secure that I won't be overcome with pain because I know who is really running the show - it isn't the darkness, it's my Father. He doesn't want me to live in dread, but in joy.

Thank you Father for having good planned for me! I love you and I believe you when you tell me you hold me safely. You are good, even in the dark.

I Have Her

I have the best nursery duty in the world at my church; I get to work with the infants once a month! The babies we have are not fussy at all. Even if they were fussy it would be a joy because you would have more of an excuse to hold them.

This last Sunday the Lord spoke to me through an experience with a beautiful baby girl named Emma. She does not know me very well, but I love to be with her every time I get to be in the nursery. Emma reached for me to pick her up. I recognized that she did not do this because she had such a profound attachment to me, but because she has a trust-cultivated heart developed by her loving parents. These parents have done a good job meeting her needs. I saw that Emma knew to reach out when she needed something. She was confident.

As she gestured her sweet little hands for me to pick her up, I found myself unable to deny her. Though I did not grow up with younger siblings, I do delight in holding a baby or two. I had very little previous encounters with Emma, yet when she reached out for me my desire to hold her was ignited. There was not anything that could keep me from holding that baby girl!

The morning went on with an astonishing number of babies in the nursery, but I still spent a lot of my time with Emma. She felt more comfortable in my arms the longer she stayed in them. The more she clung to me, the more I clung to her. I found myself giving her kisses on the head when she would lean in towards me to keep herself stable.

The Lord directed my thoughts to this experience as I prayed about my current stage of grief. He opened my eyes to the truth of His intimacy with me through my delight in Emma. He showed me that He does all that cooing over me! When I reach out to God He reaches back out to me - "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." James 4:8. Not only does he just reach for me, but his desire for me is unstoppable when I reach out to Him because a desire is ignited when He sees a response. The more I cling to God for stability, emotional/mental security the more He clings to me. The closer I become, the more available I make myself to His affection for me during times of sincere prayer.

I also remembered that as Emma began to get sleepy, all I wanted from her was for her to rest in my arms. She did not have to do anything for me to have affection for her, it was just because she was Emma that I delighted in her. When she would rest on my chest I felt excited and satisfied. I would say to myself, "I have her!..." It was a feeling that was satisfied with the idea that all of who she was was in my arms.

God's affection for me is not earned, it's only warranted because He made me. He loves me just because I'm me. He loves the times when I get fed up and don't have the strength the go on because He gets to hold me as I rest on His chest. In those times of complete surrender I know God says, "I have her!" as He delights in having all of who I am - all of me.

I am so tired of the grief. Yet, I would not sell my devotion to Jesus for a few silver coins of happiness if it meant I could never experience His loving embrace.

I found this picture of me and my mom when I was younger. It was the perfect picture of God's love for me.

Wait!

I felt like my life had come to nothing as I laid on the loveseat about to finish the second Star Wars movie. It's the Sabbath and I'm supposed to rest, but my bottom was falling asleep. So, I took Sassy for a walk. It was in the cool of the night and wasn't too dark. I thought I could train her a little bit too. The Dog Whisperer makes me feel like I can do anything. 

Mini-schnauzers should walk either beside or behind the person holding the leash, because in a dog's mind the leader leads the way, and that leader needs to be human. If they do not get daily walks, the schnauzer will have behavior problems (so says dogbreedinfo.com). So, I decided to strap her into her harness and grab some dog treats to begin training. She pulls on the lease so much for a little dog. I was going to train her not to strain herself in order to run ahead of me. I did this by stopping every 5 feet, tugging on the leash and saying "Wait!" When she did, I would give her a treat. 

I began to think about how important it is for her to wait beside or behind me. What if I accidentally let go of the leash? Without discipline she could run into the street! She could get herself lost if she allowed her desires to overcome her training.What if there was a cat in the road and she ran after it only to find herself underneath the wheels of a car? I began to regret not teaching her sooner to wait. 

By the end of the cult-d-sac she had still not taken to the training. I understood that training is a process, but she was stubbornly pulling on the leash ahead of me more than ever. I grew more concerned about how she viewed me. "Why isn't she obeying my commands? Doesn't she see that I am her Master?" were questions that brewed in my mind. I finally crouched down beside her, took her face and said, "You need to obey me. I'm your Master." I didn't say it to be authoritative. I had persistent love in my heart for her. The idea of her not obeying me grieved my heart because my commands will keep her safe. It's what's best for her and if she did not follow them, she could get hurt. I trained her because I loved her. Yes, she has a keen sense of smell and quite an ear for hearing, but she is too small to see the big picture. Her mind was not equipped to understand it.  

As I arose from my special moment with Sassy I had to slap myself. I hadn't heard from the Lord today and felt quite distant from Him. I woke up too late to spend time with Him and had not had a chance to do so since. I realized that the Lord had been telling me to wait in a lot of areas in my life. I needed to not act on the impulse to take control and act on my anxiety. 

Psalm 131 had become a theme in my life:

  

¹ My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty;  

I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.  

² But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; 

 like a weaned child I am content.

³ Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore.

Yet, like Sassy, I need to wait. I don't know why the Lord tells me to wait now, but I understand that my brain wasn't made to see the big picture. I have to wait in faith. His commands are for my safety. If God allowed my desires for adventure to dictate my actions I bet I would also run after things that could put me in harm's way. He is my Master, my Lord, my God and I am His daughter who is to walk beside or behind Him. He is the Leader, not me. He sees where I am going and will not abandon me, nor will He allow me to go places He hasn't introduced me to. I need to wait. It's so hard, but I see the importance of waiting. 


Psalm 130:5-6 "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning"