I Have Her

I have the best nursery duty in the world at my church; I get to work with the infants once a month! The babies we have are not fussy at all. Even if they were fussy it would be a joy because you would have more of an excuse to hold them.

This last Sunday the Lord spoke to me through an experience with a beautiful baby girl named Emma. She does not know me very well, but I love to be with her every time I get to be in the nursery. Emma reached for me to pick her up. I recognized that she did not do this because she had such a profound attachment to me, but because she has a trust-cultivated heart developed by her loving parents. These parents have done a good job meeting her needs. I saw that Emma knew to reach out when she needed something. She was confident.

As she gestured her sweet little hands for me to pick her up, I found myself unable to deny her. Though I did not grow up with younger siblings, I do delight in holding a baby or two. I had very little previous encounters with Emma, yet when she reached out for me my desire to hold her was ignited. There was not anything that could keep me from holding that baby girl!

The morning went on with an astonishing number of babies in the nursery, but I still spent a lot of my time with Emma. She felt more comfortable in my arms the longer she stayed in them. The more she clung to me, the more I clung to her. I found myself giving her kisses on the head when she would lean in towards me to keep herself stable.

The Lord directed my thoughts to this experience as I prayed about my current stage of grief. He opened my eyes to the truth of His intimacy with me through my delight in Emma. He showed me that He does all that cooing over me! When I reach out to God He reaches back out to me - "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." James 4:8. Not only does he just reach for me, but his desire for me is unstoppable when I reach out to Him because a desire is ignited when He sees a response. The more I cling to God for stability, emotional/mental security the more He clings to me. The closer I become, the more available I make myself to His affection for me during times of sincere prayer.

I also remembered that as Emma began to get sleepy, all I wanted from her was for her to rest in my arms. She did not have to do anything for me to have affection for her, it was just because she was Emma that I delighted in her. When she would rest on my chest I felt excited and satisfied. I would say to myself, "I have her!..." It was a feeling that was satisfied with the idea that all of who she was was in my arms.

God's affection for me is not earned, it's only warranted because He made me. He loves me just because I'm me. He loves the times when I get fed up and don't have the strength the go on because He gets to hold me as I rest on His chest. In those times of complete surrender I know God says, "I have her!" as He delights in having all of who I am - all of me.

I am so tired of the grief. Yet, I would not sell my devotion to Jesus for a few silver coins of happiness if it meant I could never experience His loving embrace.

I found this picture of me and my mom when I was younger. It was the perfect picture of God's love for me.